when i started this blog i honestly thought people were gunna read it and id start some huge collaboration of thoughts and illustrations that would appeal to myself and others. since the former hasnt happened yet i doubt the latter will.

itunes shuffle is way too influential, every song is a sign

if i have to read one more girl tweet about how perfect her life is whether its via nail polish starbucks new fucking hair or some other goddamn unimportant material thing i will knife myself. #UNFOLLOW

Laying awake last night next to my… friend… I ran through the events of the night in my mind. Seeing my cousin for the first time in months made my night, and i didnt realize until after how much i missed him and how important to me he is. after being awake for an hour at 5:00am the only thing i wanted at that time was to talk to the boy beside me about it. but i couldnt. im a very open person, and its still bothering me that i couldnt turn to this man when i needed to. is it still to early in the relationship? or is this a red flag telling me that hes not right for me?

Although this significant others friend is reassuring me that he’s never been happier, i still struggle to see strength- companionship- in the relationship. 

tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

Right now Europe! I have a trip planned, I can’t wait to see and discover art and language and beauty. 

As well, I have heard that, “Florence is a gift.” -Chaim Potok, My Name is Asher Lev

It’s ironic that no matter how much we try and prepare ourselves for a relationship, battle scars still remain. I spent three years of my life demanding proper treatment from men, and in high school that doesn’t always get you very far. After all that time, i thought i found someone who wouldn’t hurt me, who would put me first and treat me right. And although i put him through all the vigorous testing, and he seemed to prove to me that he was in it to win it, i was still burned in the end. Even though i did nothing wrong, as i try and move on into a new relationship, i start to feel self conscious. I thought i knew how to move on, however; I’m still being burned. The break up left me lonely and questioning myself, and its unfortunate that out of everything thats what im taking from it right now. but its hard, and its not like im comparing the two men and relationships, its just an emotional toll thats being carried over that i dont know how to deal with it. was i supposed to leave it behind with the everything else? do i share these feelings with my new interest? or does it just stay with me, until i meet someone who helps me forget about any past insecurities?

Why cant my friends just do one goddamn thing without knowing “what everyone else is doing” ? I thought we graduated from highschool. Since when does making a commitment depend on what 30 other random people are doing. We make plans then stick to them, instead of this bullshit, “no ones down? Maybe jordans party?” Great.

 Thanks a lot. You know, it affects me to when you cancel. It fucks up my night and fucks up the commitments I made. But on a larger scale, it seems like everyone is so incapable of making their own goddamn decision. And yes, by me blogging about this instead of just following through on my original plans without said friend is really the same thing as what their doing right now. Wow. Why is it so goddamn hard for me to make a fucking miniscule decision? Everything still does feel like the end of the world. And that’s why I’m sitting here typing. Congratulations, devo. You suck.

Ever listen to a good friend complain about someone and then defend that person because you’ve ‘seen a different side of them’? I have. And it sucks when you go into work the next day and that very person that you defended says some douchebag comment and you realize that they truly just are a bad person. Damn. I’m not upset, it’s just disappointing. I feel like my generation works so hard to ‘see the good’ in people and then generation y just has to go and f it up for us. Later

hey people?

apparently i’ve been on this site before, although the previous post seemed foreign the first time i read it. However, after reading it a second time its ringing a bell. 2008. i would have been in… grade 9. wow, four years ago. a lots changed. its funny, i claimed to have nothing to write about yet my diary from my junior high days says quite the opposite.

i guess if your reading this- if anyone can even see this- just know that its my attempt at expressing some thoughts without having to edit it or worry about what my “friends” are going to think about it. that has a bit of a high school ring to it. i seem to have worn out my complaining with my real life friends so this seems like a good way to “tell” someone (aka vent) about my current life situations.

im going to mexico on saturday, and tonight i realized im only gunna miss my soccer team. that doesnt say a lot, since most of my graduating class is accompaning (oh, when i said unedited i meant it, dont expect me to spellcheck) me on this trip. however, if they werent coming, my previous statement would still apply. im starting to miss some of my closest friends less and less, its funny how people can slip away. yes- everybody experiences a bit of heartache in high school. losing a best friend, best lover, its never easy. i just seem not to mind anymore. its hard- when your in high school your forced open up.. people will pry open your arms and stare and comment and judge and ask questions, and its hard to know whether you really care or if just the people around you do. your forced to deal with failed relationships, bad marks, spats between friends, absences of friends, and more. so, whether you like it or not, these falling outs are always long, drawn out, and painful. and no matter how much you hate someone, if you wait three months and then reach out to them, your almost bound to reconnect and start fresh. well, at least in my town.

anyway, my point is im not in high school anymore. i showed up to a bar the other night with one other friend. and learned that the bar isnt a party. the bar isnt a new class or a student lounge. it doesnt matter who you are, you cant just become bestfriends with the first girl you see. i guess theres boundries. i went again, last night, with a different friend but still just the two of us. we sat with her new boyfriend and new friends. i saw a boy from my physics class- this semester- working behind the bar. as i went over to say hello, he was approached by another boy. he was in my physics class too! as a matter of fact, we all sat together. my greeting was awkwardly awkward, and soon i just turned around and left, back to my table. not even needing an excuse; they didnt care if i was there. high school is over.

theres a few people i havent talked to since the last day of classes. it kind of hurts, but not the pain i would feel if i still had to see them everyday…

i dont know if this post makes sense, but its what im thinking about right now. im in the process of finding the people i wanna stick with and when i do, im gunna hold on tight.

if you read this.. thank you. youll never know how much i appreciate someone listening to me.
or maybe you do because you have a blog too!!!!

much love

is this a diary?

i guess so.
seems a lot easier than writing it out..
maybs i’ll give it a shot
when i actually have something to write about.